I feel.. Ignored. Yeah, I’m someone who needs a good bit of attention. Not a total attention whore, but I do need someone to be pretty caring. I’m just not feeling anyone there. And I’m having a lot of just…. I don’t really know what to call it..? Its not regret its just sadness I guess. I don’t necessarily miss the people I don’t talk to I just never really realized our live’s would separate; that we’d move on from each other. *this is not referencing exes* This is about friends. Yet at the same time, I’m so much more than “fine” with where I am right now. I guess I’m whining. But I wouldn’t be if I didn’t feel like there was a way around it. This crap will go away tomorrow and I’ll feel better. Sadly, there are still things that won’t go away.
Examples? Self consciousness. I feel awful about myself, appearance-wise. I feel like I am not as good as everyone else, I know it. And I just get upset every morning/night because I think about my flaws and I feel like I shouldn’t even wake up. I can keep from crying most of the time but sometimes I just can’t, I just break down because everyone else comes to school every day looking fucking flawless. And it bugs me. And I feel like I should be better for Greyson(and please please don’t tell me I shouldn’t), because all these perfect looking girls come to school and they don’t even need to look like that and I do and its completely unfair. I say it in my head every morning, its just not fair.
Other examples? I can’t make Greyson see himself how he should, how he is. Also unfair. He’s perfect. No matter what he sees in the mirror he is perfect. He’s smart and attractive, nice and trustworthy, loving and caring, everything I’ve ever wanted. He is the guy I dream of waking up next to.. He cares about me and I care about him so much.. I love him. I’ve had the best months of my life with him.. But I can’t even make him happy, can’t even make him feel good about himself. Reason #87654345678 why I need to be better.
Refer to title.
